[FOOTSTEPS, A TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hi. How are we doing? You can call me Doctor David. I’ll be here to help you out for the duration of your stay with us. Do you have a name? Hm. Hm. Well, I’m afraid I’ll have to disagree with you there. That’s not your name at all.
Now don’t get agitated, I’m sure we’ll get there. Names are… tricky. You know how long it took me to realise I was Doctor David? I mean, neither do I, to be perfectly honest, but the point is names can take a while. And we’ll be here to support you every step of the way.
Hm? Oh, didn’t they tell you when you were signed in? Not to worry, these things slip my mind as well sometimes. You’re in Wonderland House. We’re a small residential mental health facility here to help people like you come to their senses. And to protect the world from all your self-indulgent nonsense in the meantime.
I can, I assure you. I’m your doctor. Doctor David. I’m here to help you, to treat you, to make it so you’re less of a… burden to everyone. And until I’m satisfied that we’ve reached that point, well, there’s plenty here to keep you comfortable. Because obviously, it wouldn’t be responsible of us to let you out into general society. Not in your current state. Hm? No, of course it’s not just them. We’re here to help you. You’re the biggest victim of… whatever little game you’re playing here. And we know just how to help you.
Please do try not to get so agitated. I understand, it’s a distressing time, but there’s really nothing to be gained from… acting out. There are no windows to escape through, all the–
[SOUND OF CHAIR ROCKING]
Yes, as I was saying, all the furniture is very firmly bolted down, and honestly you’re only going to hurt yoursel–
[SOMETHING SNAPS]
Hm. I see. Violence, then, is it? Oh, I assure you there is no way to hurt me. Nothing you could say or do could cause me even a moment’s inconvenience. Your anger is… pointless. Meaningless. Look, see? The only thing you’ve managed to hurt is your own hand. Now, are we finally in a position to listen to Doctor David, you… meaningless little brat? Good.
Now, I believe it’s time for your medication.
[PILLS RATTLE]
Oh, no, that stuff you were on before? Mm, garbage. No, I’ve torn up your prescription for that. It was… poison, I assure you, warping your mind. No, I think we have something far better here.
[PILLS RATTLE]
Go on, take it.
[PILL BOTTLE IS PLACED DOWN]
Take it.
Or do I have to get some orderlies to help you?
[LIQUID SWALLOWING; CUP IS PLACED DOWN]
There you go. Down the hatch. I wonder what it was? Certainly it looked a pretty appealing colour in the medicine cabinet, but you never can tell with these things. Oh, there you go. Well, sweet dreams, I suppose.
Do try to wake up sane.
[EXIT WITH CREEPY LAUGH]
[DOOR NOISES PLUS FOOTSTEPS]
Ah, awake at last, are we? Excellent. Allow me to introduce myself. Call me Doctor David. And you might be? No, I just like to greet all our new arrivals in person and I would like your name, if possible. Okay, well, I don’t think that’s how it’s pronounced, but… if that’s what you’d like me to call you, then I suppose I can do you that favour.
Hm? No, I’m pretty sure I would remember.
No, I’m the only Doctor David on staff at Wonderland House. Goodness can you imagine the coincidence if there were two of us. Hah! Hardly bears thinking about. But no, I’m the only one here. Fact of the matter is, I’m the only doctor on staff. Most days it’s just me and the orderlies. No one else around for miles.
You’re sure? Well, that is very strange. Would you mind describing this ‘other’ Doctor David. Mmhm? Mmhm? Oh, did he now? Well isn’t that fascinating.
Right, well, I think I’m starting to see what might be going on here and, let me assure you, it isn’t going to work. Oh, I know, I know, I know. It’s just that we have no patience here for your ridiculous lies. Seeing things? Phantom doctors? You really think I’m that much of an idiot? You concoct some half-baked little hallucination, and suddenly I’m stamping ‘crazy’ on your forehead? I’m dreadfully sorry to disappoint you, but that’s not how things work here.
Oh, other doctors did, did they? Mm. Well, that sounds reasonable, let me just have a look at your case file here, a gander at the old medical history. Medication, diagnosis, medication, oooh, hospitalisation. Hm.
Trouble is it’s all lies, isn’t it? Because I’m your doctor now, Doctor David, and I say these people, these ‘professionals’, had no idea what they’re talking about because, well, I understand what they simply didn’t.
You made it all up, didn’t you?
What was it? A plea for attention, trying so desperately to make the world notice you? Some childish attempt to feel special? Or were you just looking for an excuse for the fact that you’re a lazy, unlikeable waste of air?
‘Paranoia’, hm, it’s big word, isn’t it? A big excuse. Because here’s the interesting thing: you are completely sane and rational. Everyone legitimately does hate you. It’s not your brain making up lies, don’t be stupid. No, you’re just a horribly unpleasant person to be around. You make people uncomfortable. You never say the right thing. You somehow always manage to smell bad.
No wonder people talk about you behind your back. Even I hate you, and I’m responsible for your treatment. Isn’t that funny?
[MIRTHLESS CHUCKLE]
Hm? Oh, I’m sure you would like some medication. Yes, I’m sure you would. That chemical safety blanket whispering to you ‘Oh don’t worry you’re just mad. You don’t need to take responsibility for anything.’ You’ll get none of that nonsense here. No. We’ll teach you to stand on your own two feet. And we have all the time in the world to do so.
[FOOTSTEPS, THEN DOOR SOUNDS]
Good night.
[DOOR SOUNDS, FOOTSTEPS. THE DISTANT SOUND OF SCREAMS]
Ah, good morning. How are we feeling today? Hm? Oh, no it’s just me. Call me Doctor David. No, I’m pretty sure I’ve always had this face.
Oh, I see, another of your lies, is it, as though I haven’t heard enough of them in the, what, five years I’ve been treating you now. No matter. Yes, five years, can we please not start that again?
Did you sleep well? Hm? Well, that makes sense I suppose. Nightmares are to be expected from a mind like yours.
Ooh, monsters, you say? You must have gotten a look at Brian the orderly.
[MIRTHLESS, SOMEWHAT MANIC, CHUCKLING]
I joke, of course. You seem fine, though, so I’m sure whatever that silly little imagination of yours concocted, it can’t have been all that bad.
Oh, yes? More ‘hallucinations’? Hm, well, you can describe them to me if you like, I’m certain they’re quite horrible. But on other hand, they didn’t happen, you’re lying, and everyone wishes you’d just stop making a fuss. You remember your mother, what you made her do because you just couldn’t be bothered to pull yourself together?
Yes, of course it was your fault, we’ve been over this quite extensively in our earlier sessions. Or are you still pretending not to remember?
I really wish you’d stop saying that. We don’t really like the word ‘mad’ in Wonderland House. Because you’re not. You never have been. You just need to… Oh do calm down you hysterical little creep. Throwing another tantrum will get you nowhere here.
[SOUNDS OF MOVEMENT, SOMETHING FALLING]
Oh violence, is it? Very original. Just do be careful not to--
[SOUNDS OF MOTION, A SCUFFLE, THEN FLESH PEELING]
[DRIPPING NOISES]
Well, I hope you’re happy. Well, what did you expect to be under my face? You really should stop screaming, you’re only upsetting yourself. Of course it’s real, it’s absolutely real. I’ve told you, you’re quite sane. You just need to admit it, and then we can get on with things.
No rush, though, like I say. We have all the time in the world. And good old Doctor David isn’t going anywhere.
[STATIC SOUNDS]